Thursday, January 10, 2013

More Things People Say

First, I wanted to say how much I appreciate all the comments everyone leaves me even if I don't respond.  I often plan to but forget (my memory problems have gotten worse). I do, however, read and appreciate them all.
Since I've been up out of my chair more, I've noticed a change in what people ask me or say to me.  I have less obvious indicators of my disabilities now so people often assume I'm training Cole.  I've noticed a lot more dirty looks and nasty comments about faking or taking advantage of things when I park in a handicap space or am out with Coleman.
The thing that has kind of gotten under my skin is a question: "when are you going to get a job?"  It isn't usually said with malice but there is a lack of understanding there.  Everyone assumes that because I'm up and my good days are better than before, I must be better, healed, cured.  I'm not.  Most of these people don't see me on my bad days, and if they do I'm not super "out there" with how bad I'm feeling.  Some days it is pain, some days I have to be careful standing up so I don't faint.  As I mentioned previously, I get sick at the drop of a hat.  Right now I'm recovering from an upper respiratory and ear infection that I caught from someone else.  I'm exhausted but I still have to try and keep up with life.  Even on the good days, I still have memory and speech problems.  Today I was trying to figure out lunch with my dad and I absolutely could not articulate what was in my head.  There are days where I can't remember important things, never mind the little every day things most people take for granted.  Before I got sick I had tons of medicine dosages and dosage formulas memorized. Now I only remember the Benadryl dosage.
I've considered getting a job.  I want a job.  I'd love to apply for the adoption receptionist position at a  local rescue, apprentice under a trainer or do something.  But no one wants to hire an employee that can't guarantee she will be there the next days.  It doesn't look good if I constantly stumble over my words and can't explain something to someone else.  Forgetting small things can have a huge impact in any job, especially the animal related jobs I'm educated and trained for.
It hurts to be reminded that even though I've made great progress, I won't get back to the life I had.  It feels like despite all the talking and writing I do, people don't understand that I have chronic illnesses that will never go away.  And sometimes, it feels almost accusing, like I'm sitting at home doing nothing because I want to.  Well, I'm not just sitting at home doing nothing and if I could lose my illnesses and have the life I planned for until the day I woke up with a swollen under arm, I would.  I wanted vet school, I wanted a life where I relied only on myself, I wanted full time work as a veterinary behaviorist.  It's hard to see my friends (and even family) with full time jobs, their own homes and normal lives.  So when people ask when I'm getting a job, it brings all of that back to me

1 comment:

  1. Can so relate to this post, when I am having a good day, I go out and make the most of it, people then think I must be cured, like you they don't see me on bad days.... maybe they should then they might understand a bit of what it is like.... Have an awesome weekend :)

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